6 ways to get over infidelity

In the face of infidelity, it is important that we ask ourselves what we expect from the relationship with our partner and if we will really be able to forget that episode. If not, it is better to leave the relationship.

Overcoming infidelity is one of the most complicated situations a couple can go through. A circumstance where the trust placed in the other has been broken. Many people are unfaithful because it is in their nature. Others are not able, to be honest with their partner to convey their need for an open relationship. Be that as it may, the one who suffers is the person who has been faithful and who has been disappointed.

Unfortunately, infidelity is the order of the day. Several studies affirm that about 30% of the population has been unfaithful to their partner, and this transgression comes from both men and women. It is also worth mentioning that the definition of infidelity is not the same for everyone and there are many people who do not limit it to physical contact. In any case, it implies the breaking of a previous agreement that breaks trust and puts the stability of the couple at risk.

What is infidelity?

Before presenting the keys that help to overcome infidelity, it is pertinent to take into account some considerations about this phenomenon.

In the first place, we must take into account that infidelity refers to that behavior or action that consciously violates the values, norms, and commitments that the couple has decided to grant each other (either explicitly or implicitly); so it implies disrespect and lack of loyalty towards the other member of the relationship.

Now, it is pertinent to bear in mind that infidelity is a complex issue to address since its meaning depends on the historical context, cultural dynamics, and the personal beliefs of each person about this phenomenon.

For example, we can see how the concept of infidelity has changed throughout history. In Ancient Greece, a man was considered infidel if he had sexual relations with a married woman who was not his wife, but he was not if he had sex with slaves, concubines, or prostitutes.

For its part, at present, the term "polyamory" has been popularized to refer to those people who decide to go out of the conventional in what refers to love relationships, establishing various emotional bonds based on honesty with oneself and their couples.

In addition, the education, beliefs, and personal traits of each individual will determine what attitudes to consider as infidelity. For example, some may view flirting with other people as unfaithful; while others do not, as long as there has been no physical contact.

Given this clear subjectivity about infidelity, the important thing is to keep in mind that two people participate in this definition and that in any relationship it is convenient to coincide and agree on how it is understood by both. So that the violation and disrespect of this agreement are considered as such.

Causes of infidelity

On the other hand, it is pertinent to bear in mind that infidelity can have multiple causes and, depending on what the reasons were, the process to overcome it will be different.

In other words, infidelity is a behavior that depends on multiple factors and all of them are decisive when it comes to overcoming it. Among them, we find each person's personality, self-esteem, the ability to control their own impulses and desires, expectations, the degree of satisfaction in the relationship, and the opportunity to meet new people to whom they feel attracted, among many others.

Next, we detail the most frequent:ones:

• Deterioration in the relationship: one of the most common causes of infidelity is dissatisfaction with the desires and expectations that one has of his partner. In these cases, the members tend to go in different directions, so it is likely that desires will appear towards another person who does fulfill them.

• Longing for passion and romantic love: once the stage of falling in love is over, it is common for the passion of the first months to be diminished. So, although the love towards the couple may be present, feelings of infatuation or sexual desire towards other people could appear, which ends up generating confusion in those who experience them. In these cases, couples who do not know how to manage these experiences properly end up giving in to infidelity.

• Personal beliefs (which may or may not be wrong). For example, a fairly common belief is to assume that a specific meeting with another person can be beneficial for the relationship.

• The attraction for the forbidden. For many people, what is forbidden causes morbidity and excitement. So infidelity ends up being a conspicuous behavior and they think that if they are not discovered, they will not be harming anyone.

• Insecurities and low self-esteem. Some cheaters feel inferior to their partners (for example, they feel less attractive or attractive). In this case, infidelity serves to reaffirm your value by being considered desirable by others.

How to get over infidelity

Infidelity usually causes great suffering; not only because of the feeling of betrayal experienced but also because it arouses various fears. Fear of not being good enough for our partner, fear of abandonment and breakup, and the subsequent situation of loneliness...

Although you suffer in such a situation, the big problem that arises is how to treat and overcome infidelity in the best way. We are not prepared for this, no one has taught us how to deal with a situation like this.

However, we must remember that there are no universally effective recipes for overcoming infidelity. Well, coping with deception will depend on the way of being of each person and their emotional resources.

Likewise, the circumstances of the infidelity will also determine how to overcome it; because the factors that come into play will influence the level of suffering that both members will experience. For example, a repeated deception is not the same as a slip; just as it is not the same to discover your partner in the middle of the act, then knowing it through their own mouth... These differences greatly influence the coping process.

Now, although each case is different, there are some tips that can help you overcome infidelity. These are:

1. Never cover up the pain

When infidelity arises in the couple, it is necessary to talk and, even more, it is a duty that the unfaithful person is sincere at all times. The truth has already been lacking and now it is not appropriate to lie anymore. Although you feel the pain you will want answers, you will ask even if it does not help you. Of course, do not do what many people do: cover the pain by ignoring it.

The saying “out of sight, out of mind” is not appropriate at all. Nothing to pretend, nothing to ignore, nothing to pretend that nothing has happened. Your pain will arise on the most unexpected day no matter how much you cover it up. You will only be delaying the inevitable. Now is the time to make decisions, even if it hurts.

2. You need to be honest about the relationship

Some couples manage to continue their relationship after infidelity, but not all are the same. When someone has broken the trust that was there, we need to ask ourselves some questions. Will you be able to forgive something like that? Could you continue sleeping next to that person? Be honest with yourself, because there are many people who answer "yes" to these questions and, later, do not stop in daily reproaches towards their partner.

Perhaps separating you temporarily will help you to clarify your ideas, and to see everything with perspective. Perhaps, if the infidelity has been a slip, it is not so important to you. But if it has been a double relationship, it may be necessary to take measures in this regard. One of the possibilities that you can consider if this is too big for you is couples therapy. An option as long as there are no recriminations, no hatred. Just love and wishes for reconciliation.

3. Ask yourself why you want to continue

If you are thinking of trying to forgive and continue with the relationship, it is essential that you ask yourself why you want to do it. Are you moved by genuine love and a desire to rebuild the bond? Or, on the contrary, does your decision respond to economic or emotional dependence, fear of being alone, or concern about what they will say?

In these latter cases, perhaps it would be more positive to seek help to work and resolve those fears and personal conflicts than to continue in a relationship that do you more harm than good.

4. Give up victimhood and be proactive

It is practically inevitable that at first you feel betrayed and demand explanations, repentance, and compensation from your partner; but this position cannot be maintained forever.

At a certain point, it is necessary to abandon victimhood and focus on making decisions, proposing solutions, and establishing measures and conditions. For example, you may consider the need to cut off all contact with the third person if the relationship is to continue.

In the same way, and while you stop perceiving yourself as a victim, it is important that you stop labeling the other as unfaithful. That label can lead you to continue to blame and perpetuate mistrust and can make your partner lose motivation to try to improve.

5. There is life after your partner

Infidelity breaks us inside and the world comes crashing down on us. We believe that we will never be able to overcome this great disappointment, but you know what? You are not right. This situation is just one more stage, very hard, that is true, but from which you can come out stronger if you treat 

it in the right way. Love will be the main incentive that will lead you to want to solve this situation and walk together again hand in hand.
If you see that there is no solution or that you don't even want to look for one, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life does not end with your partner, there is still a long way to go, many people to meet, and many experiences to live. You just have to get out of your comfort zone.

6. Never pay with the same currency

There are people who believe that they will feel better if they make the other person suffer the same as they do. Therefore, they try to do the same damage. Maybe you forgive your partner only to later be unfaithful and let him know what it is. Perhaps, as soon as you end your relationship, you start dating someone to make him jealous or to make him realize that you didn't care.

Do you realize the position you take by acting in this way? You will not feel better, perhaps it will not even affect the person who was your partner at all. You are trying to act in a way that will not make you happy, that will not do you any good, and that will further accentuate the pain you feel.

Cry, talk, go out with your friends, lean on all those who love you, and let off steam, but don't do things you might regret. Overcoming infidelity is possible, although the first one is experienced with much more intensity. Don't wallow in your pain, look forward and be happy. Infidelity is one more experience you can learn from, regardless of the outcome.